During the course of several conversations lately, I have come to the conclusion that I have OCD, not just Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but the less commonly known Obsessive Controlling Disorder. I have to be in control at all times. Mostly, of myself, but it can extend beyond me, too. I try to let things go, but well, it's hard. I have such a need for control that I don't let myself throw up, get sick, have my period at bad times, sleep longer than I should, etc. There are times when my body rebels against these things, but for the most part I am pretty successful. I don't like being spontaneous, because I then lack control. I don't like being off schedule... again the control thing. I don't like change for the same reason. I am not sure why I have the need for control. That is still in the pondering phase.
I have to consciously relinquish control to my children or it makes me overly frustrated. Yep, I even control the giving up of control. I have to know in advance my children are going to help me cook, clean, or make something. I have to know things in advance or I become overwhelmed and anxious. In college I had to plan on missing class, I couldn't just not go. Is that really playing hooky then? Sheesh. My psyche is messed up.
I am still exploring this and writing it out brought some insight. Anything you feel should be added?
1 comment:
I can tell you when I conciously let go and gave up control of your lives and somewhat if mine! Grandma Brugger never could. But I was sitting in the parking lot of the VA and I knew if I didn't start lightening up - I would die - literally. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned. Good luck when you decide to start on your adventure. I still have to stop and say to myself, "Let go." Love you! Good Luck this week. I will be praying for you and Andy.
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